Wednesday, November 4, 2009

a modest proposal that will drastically change society for the better forever

I find that I think most clearly when in the midst of mustache maintenence, so in need of material for this humble web-log (only item stuck for week of November 1, so far, so lamely: a healthy dollop of cabbage stew) I retired to the lavatory to groom my face's lush welcome mat. *Snip* *Tweeze* *Snip* *Appreciative Sigh* And EUREEKA!

This is sure to be a touchy subject, but I think we can all agree that women's rights have made progress. Of course there is still much ground to cover. I have a suggestion that can play a part in advancing the cause.

It's common knowledge that the rights of women have long been impeeded by the mustache. (Not the mustache's fault, as while it may be occasionally intimidating and always worthy of respect, it is at heart a noble and gentle creature with little to no interest in making life difficult for others.) No, women's rights have been slowed because they are denied, either by biology or our culture's cruel disapproval, the "Rocketship to Success"(patent pending) that is the mustache.

Now I'm not daft enough to believe that more than a tiny liberated fragment of the female population will be brave enough to free the folicles along the upper lip. And I'm not here to condemn those that prefer to maintain that archaic notion of feminity in part by maintaining a smooth face (or to use other, more wildly accurate terminology, perpetually murdering their mustache). I am here to suggest that women make a symbolic stand against the male-dominated world of facial hair by cultivating what I'll call "The Lady Stache". It's simple, elegant even: assuming you've (either by society's pressures or your own preference) taken to shaving your legs why not next time leave a little space for liberty. Perhaps a mustache directly below the right knee. And while I'd normally never advocate a soul patch as anything other than a component of a more elaborate facial hair structure, there are worse ideas than leaving a little hairy dab of daring just above the left ankle.

You might ask, "How is this going to make my pay rate comparable to a man's?" Or maybe you'll wonder, "How is this going to afford me the same opportunities so often more easily attained by men?". Perhaps you'll query, loudly and with a note of disgust in your voice, "Are you mentally ill? What a terrible, pointless, and disgusting idea!" Frankly, I'm not prepared to answer those questions.

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